


Cowardice

by Lollikins



Series: At Home In Your Arms [4]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Rough Kissing, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lollikins/pseuds/Lollikins
Summary: In the aftermath of sharing a bed with Seonghwa, Yeosang struggles to find his feet and the truth in himself.
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Series: At Home In Your Arms [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953625
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	Cowardice

Yeosang had decided that he was a coward. 

It had been three days since he had slept with Seonghwa and today he had to go to his parents for the weekend. In that time, he had spent all of his time out of the house, only coming home once he was sure that Seonghwa would be asleep and only coming out of his room after he was gone. He left a note telling him that he was busy before the holidays. He knew that Seonghwa would be going home for the holidays as well. He always did. 

The truth of it was, he didn’t know how to face him after what he had done. Surely Seonghwa was going to ask him to leave when he finally saw him. He had been doing his best to try to find another place to live but he was in the same place he was before. He didn’t have a deposit and he still needed something cheap that would allow him access to public transport and the school. In essence, he was homeless again. How could he have done something so impossibly stupid? He knew he was only half awake and he knew that whatever he had been dreaming was responsible for his actions. His dreams had never caused him problems before, why were they now? Was it somehow happening because of the impending meeting of his soul mark? How could someone who he had never met possibly be the person he was destined to be with. He understood how it worked but logically, he couldn’t wrap his brain around it. 

After talking to his father, he understood his mother’s insistence. His mother … Yoo Dan-ah liked money and it seemed as though this person who was supposedly his destiny was very rich. Never mind that his parents already lived quite comfortably and that his grandmother was extremely rich, she was willing to send her son off into misery for the prospect of more money. His family had never been close but he had never had anything really against his mother until now. He was her son. His father, Kang Dohyun asked him not to think ill of his mother as they had resigned themselves to his fate long ago and that his mother thought that it was unavoidable. 

Unavoidable or not, there was no need to rush it. This woman, Bo Seulhee was a chaebol heir and that wasn’t the kind of money his parents had. His mother coveted it. What did it matter if her son was miserable now or in ten years? Every time he thought about it, it made him angry. He wanted to talk to Seonghwa about it, being his best friend he knew his situation but … He just couldn’t. Why did he have to do something so stupid? 

The front door opened and closed. Yeosang rolled over and looked at the clock, he had an hour before he needed to get up technically. He could smell the food that Seonghwa had left for him. He was such a coward. He didn’t want to see the accusation and disgust in his best friend’s eyes. He didn’t want to hear him say those words banishing him from the house and his life. He heaved a heavy sigh and sat up. 

At that moment, he hated himself and the life that he believed fate had laid out for him. Why couldn’t a man write his own fate? Why did he have to be destined for something other than what his own will dictated? He climbed out of bed and pulled out his bag and packed a couple of changes of clothes. He didn’t need to pack toiletries, he was going home after all. He zipped up his bag and checked the train times again and the ticket he had purchased. He had time to eat before he left. He could grab something on the way but he wasn’t about to pass up the food that Seonghwa had left for him. He liked his homestyle cooking and he liked that someone cared enough about him to get up early to make him breakfast. 

Both of his parents worked and he had always been on his own in the mornings when it came to breakfast and often on his own when it came to dinner unless he went to his grandmother’s house after school, which he’d done frequently. 

He finished dressing and picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, taking a look at his room. He really did love this house. For all of its structural failings and its diminutive size, he had been so happy here. No matter what happened, he had a feeling his time here was coming to an end. He took a deep breath and opened his door and walked out into the living room. 

Much to his great surprise, Seonghwa was sitting at the kitchen table nursing a cup of tea. His stomach dropped. 

Seonghwa looked up at him, his expression unreadable. 

Not really sure what to do, he stared back at him for a few seconds before remembering how words worked. “I’m heading to my parents house for the weekend. I’ll be back Sunday night.” 

Seonghwa stood up and walked over to him. “Are you angry with me?” 

“What?” 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” 

“I haven-” 

“Then what do you call it? There hasn’t been a time in all the months we’ve lived together that I haven’t seen you for a whole day. This house just isn’t big enough for that and our schedules don’t clash that much.” Seonghwa didn’t look angry, he just looked hurt. 

That was worse than being angry. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt him. This was not a conversation he wanted to have right now. He was dreading this weekend more than words could say and the last thing in the world he wanted was to be homeless and without his friend while he had it. At least if he could put off this conversation then he could pretend he still had a home and his best friend. “I-” he heaved a sigh and tried again. “I’m sorry.” 

“Is it because of what happened between us?” Seonghwa asked. 

Yeosang looked startled then lowered his head. 

Seonghwa’s heart clenched. So that was what it was. He knew it but had been hoping that he was wrong, that it was just the stress of meeting the person who was supposed to be his life partner or any one of a dozen other things. “Are you just planning on avoiding me forever then?”

“I’m sorry. You’re so nice.” Yeosang said again. “I’ll move out Monday. I didn’t mean for things to get like this. You’re so kind and giving and just so nice, I couldn’t impose on you anymore.” 

Unable to look up, he kept his eyes trained on the floor and walked past Seonghwa toward the door, their shoulders brushing as he passed. He hadn’t gotten more than a couple of steps when a hand closed on his arm and he found himself flung backward with some velocity, his back colliding with the wall. The wind was temporarily knocked from his lungs. A hand found its way into his hair, forcefully pulling his head back as Seonghwa’s lips crushed down against his own. He heard the sound of his bag clattering to the floor as he reached for Seonghwa, returning his kiss desperately. Seonghwa’s body pressed against him, his cock instantly swelling in answer. 

“I’m not always so nice…” The words came in a breathless whisper and they slithered their way in a shiver down Yeosang’s spine and straight to his cock. 

He shivered and leaned back into the heat of that kiss. But this time he was not half asleep, he realized what he was doing and pulled away in abject shock. He tried to find the words but nothing came out. He pushed Seonghwa away, grabbed his bag and coat before running out the front door. 

Seonghwa stood watching the closed door for a moment, “Fuck!” He whipped around and swept an arm across the nearby shelf knocking myriad items to the ground. He turned and leaned against the wall he had recently pinned Yeosang to, sliding down to the ground and burying his head in his hands. 

He understood now. Yeosang wanted him but he was afraid. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was afraid of but he was terrified. It was a toss up as to whether he was more afraid of what he felt with Seonghwa or what he faced with his possible soul mark. He licked his lips, remembering the desperation and rabid hunger in Yeosang’s kiss. If he could keep him from going, then he could take all of the time that Yeosang needed, he could wait a lifetime for him. If… There was still that woman. If she truly was his soul mark then where did that put him? He didn’t know if Yeosang loved him but he wanted him and that, for now, was enough. He just needed time that he might not have. Was he scared enough that it might drive him to do something rash? He should have just let him go and talked to him when he came back. He had crushes before but he had never been in love before and it was true what they said, it did make you crazy. If he had been in his right mind, he wouldn’t have done that. 

All he could hope for now was that Yeosang would actually come back. He looked over at the things he had knocked to the ground and sighed before moving to clean up. 

***

Yeosang ran all of the way to the station, only stopping when he reached the platform. He hadn’t grabbed his hat or his scarf and hadn’t even stopped to put his coat on. He did that before slumping down onto a very cold bench. He shifted to put the tail of his coat between him and the cold surface. No one had ever kissed him like that before. He had never felt  _ anything _ like that before. It wasn’t just passion, it was beyond that. He had been completely consumed by flames he hadn’t even known existed. 

Just thinking about it made him instantly hard. 

If he hadn’t come to his senses… What would have happened? What did he want to happen? There was no question that Seonghwa desired him. But that just opened a whole other can of worms he wasn’t sure he was ready to open. He knew now that he just had to get through this weekend. He would just put it out of his mind now and deal with the problems at hand. 

God he really didn’t want to go home right now. He wished that he could just go to his grandfather’s old cabin in the woods. His grandmother would get mad at his grandfather and send him off to fish. His grandfather had always credited that place with saving his marriage and maybe his life. His grandmother was always sweet to him but she had a temper on her, just like his mother did. He wanted time to be away and just think or better yet, not think anything at all. His life was suddenly going a lot faster than he wanted it to in a direction he wasn’t sure he liked. 

He hadn’t even been able to eat breakfast. 

Yeosang sighed. 

The train ride to his parents house was a long one, made even longer on an empty stomach. He tried to sleep but everytime he closed his eyes, he felt the heat of Seonghwa’s body, the urgency of his kiss, the burning need that seared them both. Was it need? Could it have been called anything else? No, no, he wasn’t going to think about that now. He picked up his phone, half hoping to see a message from Seonghwa. There was nothing. 

He opened his phone and looked at the picture of Bo Seulhee his mother sent him. She was a beautiful woman and if things were different, he might have been interested or at least feeling something other than dread. However, if things were different, then she wouldn’t have been interested in him. A chaebol heir would not be interested in the son of an office manager and a banking executive. Sure his parents were well to do but they weren’t crazy rich. His grandmother was rich but she still wasn’t chaebol heir rich. 

Maybe she wasn’t sure about this whole thing either. That would be a relief, if she thought the whole idea was as stupid as he did. He didn’t know her and all he could summon up was a feeling of resentment. He couldn’t conceive of dating her let alone marrying her. 

He really didn’t want to go home. Instead he took a cab to his grandmother’s house. He crept into the sitting room where his grandmother was reading and put his hands over her eyes, “Guess who.” 

“I’d know my little puppy anywhere.” His grandmother caught his hand and drew him around from behind her chair. “But why are you here? I thought you were going home to meet your soulmate.” 

“I still am, I just missed you.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek before turning and grabbing a chair to pull up beside her. 

“Are you hungry? I can have cook make something for you.” Before he could even answer, she called for her assistant to tell the kitchen to make something for Yeosang. Within fifteen minutes, he had a giant meal in front of him with his grandmother sitting beside him. Since she had already eaten lunch, she sipped a cup of coffee and told him about what all of his old friends were up to. How she happened to know, he couldn’t say. It always seemed like she knew everything about everyone. 

“Now, tell me the reason you’re really here.” His grandmother said, giving him a knowing look over the top of her stylish glasses. 

He sighed. “I can never keep anything from you.” 

“No you can’t, so let’s hear it.” She smiled and squeezed his hand warmly.

“I-” He had always told his grandmother everything. She was the only person in his family he was close with. He just wasn’t sure how to broach this particular subject. 

“Is it about your soul mark?” she asked. 

“Yes- I mean no. I mean… It’s part of it but not all of it.” He fixed her with a steady gaze and asked, “Do you think I’m weird? That there’s something wrong with me?” 

She looked taken aback, “Why in the world would you ask me that? You know I think you’re perfect.” Out of the whole family, she was sure he was the only one that had a heart, he was the only one she was proud of. She had always been disappointed in her own children and most of her grandchildren. Her daughter had chosen a decent man and she could only attribute Yeosang’s goodness to him. Her daughter was and had always been a cold woman who cared little for anything outside of money and appearances. Some of that was her fault but there was little she could do about it at this point.

He smiled but quickly grew solemn again, “I think… I think I like someone.” 

“And it’s not this girl you’re meeting?” 

Yeosang shook his head. 

“You’re not sure you like her?” 

Yeosang opened and closed his mouth before reaching to have a sip of the water on the table in front of him. “I don’t- No, I do know. I like him _. _ ” 

His grandmother was a shrewd woman, he knew he didn’t need to say anything more. He had said enough. If there was anyone in his family who wouldn’t shun him, it was her. If she shunned him then … 

His grandmother’s eyes grew wide and she took a long drink of her coffee, draining it before setting it back down. She cleared her throat and studied Yeosang for a long moment. “Pup…” she began carefully. “Does  _ he _ like you?” 

Yeosang let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He almost felt faint with relief. “I think he does but … I’m scared.” he looked down at the table, “I’m a coward.” 

His grandmother reached up and cupped her soft, warm hand against his cheek, “It’s not being a coward when you’ve got something you’re genuinely afraid you’ll lose. It’s not my place to say what you should or shouldn’t do. If you really like this young man then you’re going to have to decide whether pursuing that relationship is worth it to you. No matter what you decide though, you’ll always be my favorite little puppy and if you bring this young man to meet me, I’ll welcome him into my home… No matter what.”

“Grandma…” Yeosang drew a shuddering breath and a tear trickled down his cheek. The one person in the world he could count on to love him without bounds and without question had accepted in him what he hadn’t accepted in himself. His grandmother wiped away his tears and raised her other hand to squish his cheeks and force him into a kissy face. He rolled his eyes and she laughed in genuine merriment. 

When she released him, she fished a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to him to wipe his face. 

“What about my soul mark?” He asked. 

“What about her?” 

“Mom wants me to meet her this weekend.” He really didn’t want to. 

“Yeosang, is your mother marrying her?” 

“Well… no.” 

“Then don’t you worry about Yoo Dan-ah. If it’s true that she really is your soul mark and you’re destined to be together, then it’ll happen whether you meet her this weekend or not. I will say though, that if you meet her now and don’t like her, it will be much easier to tell your mother no. She’ll just keep bothering you.” His grandmother stood up and waited for him to do so as well. 

She was right. If he avoided meeting Bo Seulhee now, his mother would just call him and harass him daily and might even bring her to his school or something equally annoying. He stood up and she linked her arm through his as they walked back toward the sitting room. 

“Now, before you go, tell me all about this young man of yours. Is he a good boy?”

He looked at her in surprise as she asked about Seonghwa. He chuckled, “Yes, he’s one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met. Do you want to see a picture of him?”

Yeosang stayed with his grandmother until dinner time, when his mother called to ask where he was. He was hoping his grandmother would go with him for moral support but it was a rare day that his mother and grandmother were in the same room that it was comfortable. Knowing that, he didn’t ask and merely bid her adieu with a promise to call her once he got home. Of course there was the whole problem of the fact that he had told Seonghwa he was moving out and had been avoiding him for days. He would be well within his rights to just let him go. Now that he knew and acknowledged he liked him, he felt even worse about the whole thing. He had taken his fear and self loathing out on Seonghwa and that hadn’t been fair to him. 

God... He liked Seonghwa. He would deal with that after the next impending nightmare, meeting his soul mark. How were you supposed to greet someone who was supposed to be responsible for making your life hell? 


End file.
